As I was eating M&M's at a somewhat alarming rate, maybe out of the sheer love for them, but probably mixed with an increasingly growing anxiety, as well, I couldn't help but ponder what only the greatest of minds have pondered - life. La vida. Man! Those peanut M&M's are good...Anyway, back to my brilliant episode of thought. I couldn't help but think how funny it is that life can be so great and so wonderful and so perfect, and yet at the same time, it can be full of so much uncertainty, panic, and fear. Does the sense of perfection seem too good to be true, causing the cynic to read forbdding doom into the fairytale? Are the evil forces of the universe hurling their unmerciful darts of dread upon a helpless, happy victim? Or is life just like that? M&M's. Brain food.
Sometimes I try to step out of my hectic and chaotic world, slow down, breathe, and think about all the good things that I have going. It's easy to forget sometimes. As I counted my blessings, naming them one by one, I realized that life is pretty darn good right now. I'm getting a top-notch education, doing well in my classes, was offered a research position with the promise of getting published, won money today (a definite sign of good fortune), have an amazingly supportive and loving family, am dating a great guy, am blessed to be able to keep in contact with amazing people in Argentina, have the Gospel in my life, have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and plenty of food to eat every day. I have a great job with an amazing boss. I get to tutor amazing kids every Wednesday and am reminded of the joys of youth. I have wonderful roommates who not only live with me but are genuine friends. I'm healthy enough to train for a half-marathon. The sun is out and it's warm. There are gardenburgers in my fridge and Frank Sinatra on my iTunes. Really. Life is good.
So why then, with all of these good vibes and showers of good fortune, do I find myself tossing and turning at night worrying about life? I worry about my classes this spring and summer. Should I take extra analysis classes for sociology? They would help me get into grad school and would help me if I take the research position. But do I want to go to grad school? Do I have time to do research and take a full load and work? Do I do an international development internship Winter semester? If so, what do I do about housing? What do I do about my job? Will I lose it? Will I have to come back and do more classes in the Spring? Will it be easy to get housing? And what about that great guy in this whole mix? Do I take the GRE this summer? If so, when can I study for it? How can I study for it? Or do I take the LSAT? Or do I apply to the social work program? Why is the sky blue? Where do babies come from? Are we there yet?
Questions, questions, and more questions with very few if any answers. I wish someone would just tell me what to do and life would be much easier. In making these two opposing lists, however, I have seen that despite what I see as problems or worries, life is still pretty darn good. How many people around the world would love to take on the worry of trying to decide what college class to take? Many just hope to be able to one day read and write. How many people would love to wonder whether or not to do an international development internship? Millions wonder if they'll ever get the help an internship offers. In reality, my worries are blessings. I can see that, or at least I try. I guess what it all comes down to is faith. We don't know what the future holds in store for us. But we trust that someone does, and that in the end, the path we choose will lead to happiness. And hopefully we find joy in the journey. Hopefully we can live each day to its fullest. Hopefully we can see beauty in each whispy cloud, find warmth in each smile, and find hope in each morning.
That's my goal anyway.
After I buy more M&M's.
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