that one time when i almost died...a lot.

 it's 1:30 am on a friday night. do you know what your child is doing? if you are my mom, you knew i was with a group of boys scaling the peaks of the wasatch mountains with just a backpack and a whole lot of naivety. since i first laid eyes on the magnificent mess the locals simply refer to as timp, i knew i would one day be compelled to take it on. after five years, that opportunity finally arrived, and, as anyone near me that night can attest to, i was as giddy as a school girl on her first day of class (wait...i was never that type of school girl...). i made caramel popcorn, which turned out wonderfully (if you don't count the half that i burnt) and carefully mixed cheezits and dry roasted peanuts (heaven). i filled up my brand new camel back (note to self: next time rinse out the new plastic taste first or that's what you'll be drinking for the next 12 hours) and i met the expedition crew next door. we split up into cars and took off into the unknown. when we arrived at the trailhead (let's not talk about getting lost on the way), i was ecstatic to hear "BOOTY!" called out from the darkness. it was the voice of only one my most favorite men in the world, who happened to be with a handful of my other favorites. true friends don't let friends risk their lives alone. of course when they joined the group from my ward, they all made a point of calling me booty around those unaware of my true identity, trying to get people to a) look at my booty b) raise there eyebrows at an implied sketchy past or c) adopt it into their own vocabulary and make it a household name (se habla booty!). luckily, none of the above occurred, and i could look forward to the 7 1/2 mile climb in peace. but let's cut to the chase here. i almost died on so many different levels that night. first of all, i don't care how much you run at gold's gym, or how many spin classes you go to a week, if you hike timp, you WILL die. did i mention i went with boys who are professional mountaineers/world class marathoners? to say we booked it up there would be an understatement. you see, we were racing the sun in order to make it to the summit before sunrise. last time i checked, however, the speed of light is just slightly faster than my feet. only slightly. so by the time i reached the top, i had stopped breathing multiple times, and i'm sure i will never be normal (no comments please) again due to the thousands of brain cells lost to the lack of oxygen going into my ears. oh, wait. that's not how you breath. see? my brain cells USED to know how one's respiratory system functions. i'm a hopeless mess. but anyway, back to death. so morbid, i know. but so inevitable. and that night, it was inevitable time and time again. some might call me a cat. i just call myself buddhist. reincarnation, baby. but that's for a whole other blog post. i also almost died in multiple falls. now, i never fell completely down the mountain. if that were the case, not even reincarnation could have given me another chance. i don't care if it was even as as a pig. i would have been toast without butter. no, i only fell small, terrifying distances, instances in which my camera hit the ground and my hands scraped the shale to stop me from stumbling even farther down to the dismal darkness. at one point blood dripped from my palm onto my white shirt, reminding me of my vulnerability, but apparently not enough to connect with my rationality. as i trudged my way up the mountain in the pitch black, i scooted along narrow ledges of snow, grabbing on to rocks above me, some loose, some solid -- russian roulette at its best. as i got higher and higher, i literally got higher and felt myself being eaten up by the air around me. at times i would have to stop and bend over to regain my equilibrium so that i wouldn't sway just a little too far to the right and hurl myself off the cliff. and then then there was the time when all i ate was oatmeal because everyone loved my cheezits and caramel popcorn a little too much, and how since i didn't know how to gather my own food like my nomad ancestors, i basically reached the brink of death by starvation. luckily i had gum. at least i could swallow the calories. and finally, my bladder almost exploded, which very well would have ended my young and fruitful life right then and there. we had been hiking since 1:30 am and it was 10:00 am and i had been holding it in the entire time. but really, where does one go when she is with a group of guys and with very little brush around? those wildflowers just weren't tall enough. finally, being about ready to burst like a woman 9 months pregnant, i had to give in and trudge off the trail to seek coverage. in the process i almost died when spiky, probably poisonous plants attacked my arms and legs, almost knocking the pee right out of me. that would have been embarrassing. luckily i managed to find sufficient coverage and pop a squat. it was then, however, that i realized how beyond exhausted my legs were. i had to cut the pee short due to my shaky legs. one can only squat so long on jello legs. finally after what seemed like days in the movie A Far Off Place (timp was my kalahari desert) we made it to the bottom, disheveled, dirty, and hanging onto life by only the hoses that connected our gaping mouths to our camel backs. almost dying so many times can really ware a girl out! on the way home in the car, i slept. when i got home i slept from 12 to 7. and then i slept 10:30 to 7:30 am. i dreamt of timp. i dreamt of death. and i dreamt that i couldn't walk ever again. when i got up sunday morning, i realized that wasn't a dream. i may not have died that day, but i sure built up enough lactic acid to wish i had. i know i should feel lucky to be alive. i know colors should seem more vibrant and smells more poignant. but come on people. this isn't some movie we're talking about. no theatrics, please. it's 11:45 on a monday night. do you know what your child is doing? if you're my mom, you know i'm blogging about that one time i climbed timp, and those many times i almost died. don't worry mom. i may  not have all my brain cells anymore, but i'll be safe from now on. zion is next on the list, and i hear it is PERFECTLY safe....