Dearest Mother

Dearest Mother who is so beautiful that when she does her ads for Maybelline they don't the feel the need to tag the signature phrase with the normal ending. Dearest Mother who in just one hug can bring peace to the world, who in one squirt of windex can wipe away poverty and homelessness, and who in one batch of chocolate chip cookies can cure world hunger forever. Dearest Mother who is the green in my eyes, the freckle on my hand, and the skip in my step. Dearest Mother who means more to me than cereal itself,
Don't make me get a job!!!!!!!!!!!! Please! I beg of you. I'm down on my hand and knees worshiping you (which probably goes against something in the honor code at BYU) and kissing your soon to be spa-pedicured feet (which I, I might add, bought for you). Here are the reasons why I can't get a job:
1) I have no block of time that I can work except if I were to walk down the streets of Provo like a starving, orphaned 6 year old chimney sweeper at 4:30 a.m. headed to what will only lead to another day on his short and painful journey to death. (I know I read William Blake for a reason).
2) I don't want to wear a hat to work.
3) I think -- but I'm not sure! -- that I have to study while I'm in college.
4) I'm stressed and it's only the fourth day of classes. Imagine adding a job to this chaos otherwise known as my life...
5) Steve isn't getting a job, and he's from BOSTON.
6) Seriously...have you seen how Taco Bell squirts their sour creme from a giant tube? I couldn't handle being a part of such an atrocity.
7) You love me too much to lose your only daughter.
8) I could meet someone on the job from Australia, marry Dundee, move away, and never come home again.
9) You're so loving and merciful, which is defintely a Christlike quality according to my religous instruction thus far at BYU.
10) I can see the future, and a job just isn't in it.

Ok, so now that you have been introduced to my logical and factual reasons, I'll cut a deal with you. Here's my barganing points--and ooh, they're good.

1) I will work next semester, making sure I schedule classes that provide a block of time to work and will not change my classes fifty million times.
2) I will stay and go to school Spring Term, and work while I do that.
3) I will work at the blueberry farm after Spring Term.
4) I have money that will be going into my account if dad ever gets on the ball with the paper he needed to sign, as well as the check for working should my previous employer decide to actually ever pay me. Thus, I will have some money to buy groceries.
5) I will buy generic brand foods. Yes, I realize this will be a tremendous sacrfice, but for this cause, I will take one for the team.
6) I'll study really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard 24/7 and never ever do anything fun or remotely social in order to show you that I indeed need the extra time to study. In fact, right now I am selling my football ticket for this Saturday to a bearded, homeless man who just showed up at our door wearing nothing but a tie and crazy glimmer in his eye. Don't worry. BYU is safe.
7) I will go to bed early EVERY night and wake up early EVERY morning (disregard the time of this post...something's definitely still wrong with my internet.)
8) You will be my favorite mom.
9) I will love you like my own.
10) And when I'm making the millions, I will send you a thank you note on exceptionally nice stationary.

I feel, Dearest Mother, that the above argument is well versed, and should, therefor, be highly considered and then acted on in the right way. You're the best mom a girl could ask for.

Love Always,
Jessica