A Farewell to Friends

Dear Gladys and Darla,

Well, kids. It was good while it lasted. We had a good run, you two and I. We spent a lot of time together. You made me a fat kid, but I loved you every minute for it. Cookies, cake, pie, pasta, ice cream, cheese...I'm already salivating just typing those beautiful and sacred words. Alas, it was to be no more. In the words of the great Sarah McLachlan, "I will remember you. Will you remember me? (sigh, tear) Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories."

Thanks for the reminder S-Dawg. I won't be weeping. No, Gladys and Darla were not my neighborhood friends with whom I scarfed down hordes of Totinos Party Pizzas and hot dogs all summer long (though, those friends were amazing). Gladys and Darla were, in fact, what I have recently named Gluten and Dairy. Yes, that's right. You know it's bad when you've begun personifying gluten. Don't judge.

It's true. This Monday I gave up gluten (again), as well as dairy. A few months ago you might recall that I also nixed the pasta and breads for three weeks to try to play detective in some unexplained minor health issues. Well, it didn't cure what I was hoping it would, so I stopped (that, and the fact that I was crying to my mom on the phone because I wanted a Taco Time burrito so badly). But recently I've been doing some research, and there is evidence out there that suggests that gluten and dairy can contribute to a whole slew of issues. I read that going gluten free can help with headaches, PMS symptoms, anxiety, gastrointestinal problems and even infertility. Well, I looked at that list and thought, "I have a headache literally every day, my PMS is worse than ever, anxiety is so ever present, my bowels are beside themselves, and obviously I'm not toodling around town with a baby on my back." So, I decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. I threw dairy into the mix because ever since I was little I've had stomach aches, and a pediatrician once told me around the age of six to eat less cheese. I didn't listen very well. Stomach issues and headaches have been a constant in my life, and I was motivated to make whatever lifestyle changes I needed to feel better. And, I'll be honest. I have watched way too many food-based social documentaries recently, that I literally walk down the grocery aisle in fear of getting cancer. And meat? Oh how I agonize over the issue of meat. I have such a hard time buying ground anything, due to not really knowing what ended up in it. And my hormones scream they've had enough every time I buy regular chicken (as opposed to the hormone-free all natural chicken breasts that cost a chicken wing and a leg to buy).

So Tyler and I decided to raise our food budget and tighten our reins in the name of longevity and peaceful intestines. And can I just say something? It has been...

AMAZING

I have been gluten and dairy free for four days now, and I have not had a headache ONCE, in all of those 96 hours. And you're talking to a girl who could predict a headache every day like a Portland Trailblazers fan predicts an awful season. And that mid-afternoon slump I hit almost every day at my desk, the one that made me want to keel over and pretend dead just so I could get a few minutes of shut-eye? Non-existent. Stomach pain has been minimal, if even there at all.

So far, I would say that Gladys and Darla are not missed, nor are they welcome at my par-tay.

I will admit, however, that it hasn't been all hugs, kisses and rainbows. Meal planning and cooking has been difficult, time-consuming, more expensive, and frustrating at times. So many things have gluten or dairy in them that I have to pay extra close attention to labels. Did you know that CHICKEN BROTH has gluten??? Hello! I had to get special chicken broth for my soup. And one of my meals burned in the crockpot (seriously? I didn't even know it was possible to burn a meal in a crockpot, but if someone is going to do it, leave it up to me). Tyler insisted that the burnt BBQ chicken was not bad at all. I couldn't eat it and I knew he was lying through his teeth. I ate guacamole and chips instead. But quinoa and summer stir-fried veggies, as well as white bean chicken chili both turned out be new favorites -- gluten or dairy not missed. We've also been eating a lot of fruit, peanut butter, cut up veggies and hummus. I'll need to come up with some lunch variations, however, or I may end up losing it at some point and sobbing for another Taco Time burrito. That was a dark time...

The main downside is that it takes so long to cook with lots of veggies and fresh ingredients. And when this sugar momma gets home at 6:30, sometimes that means dinner isn't ready until 7:30, which means I'm not done cleaning up afterwards until 9:00, which means that I feel like all I do is work, cook and clean, which makes me look at Craigslist for maids and cooks willing to clean and cook in exchange for hugs. But seriously.

The sacrifice is worth it, though. No headaches alone, is worth it. And Gladys and Darla? You guys can stay on your diary farm and wherever it is that you, Gladys, hail from (Nova Scotia?) I will continue to update on my status if anything exciting happens (non-bowel related, for the children). Otherwise, just know I'll be the one at the ice cream parlor shop window, drool dripping off my gaping mouth, carrot stick in hand, my fingers clenching it so hard that I'm starting to scare the people inside. But don't run. Just smile and leave me with words of encouragement. Or I'll throw my carrot at you.

Until next time.