It was dark save for the strip of light that ran down the sides of the cabin. It was late, and we were exhausted from having left Cancun earlier that morning, and from having downed some good old fashioned Southern food in Charlotte, NC. Fried pickle anyone? The people around us, with the exception of a few restless souls reading, were sound asleep (well, as sound asleep as one can be, while resembling a sorry little sardine). I was no exception. I had pulled down the tray table in front of me and using my sweatshirt as a pillow, was OUT (must've been the Mexican tequila). So there I lay, hunched over in a fetal position only known to weary travelers, probably dreaming of rainbows and butterflies and everything peaceful, when suddenly -- wetness. I began to feel a trickle of liquid on my feet, which were huddled under the seat in front of me. What the...? I quickly sat up and pulled my feet out. Yep, sure enough they were wet. My bag and book were also under the seat. Pulling them out towards me, I could see that they, too, were soaking. My poor hardcover book (but seriously, who takes a hardcover book on vacation?). I immediately began searching for the source of the leak. I checked my water bottle. It was empty, and had been since the beginning. Was it raining outside? Is it possible to rain at this elevation? I felt along the window seals just in case. Nothing. By this time, I had the mysterious liquid all over my yoga pants and hands. I smelled it, trying to pick up some identifying feature. Again, nothing. In soggy frustration, I sighed, wiped my hands off on my shirt, and sat back in the chair. That's when the thought came to Tyler...
"What if it's urine?"
No, I said, my eyes growing to the size of golf balls. Oh my gosh. If it was urine, I was going to hurl. Immediately, my OCD self kicked in and I was so thoroughly disgusted at the thought that I might be covered in pee, that I couldn't focus on anything else. Tyler pointed out that a child was sitting in the seat in front of me, sound asleep. Without looking like a creeper, I was unable to see this so called "sleeping child." I had no choice but to sit there in my chair, with soggy feet.
Suddenly, the lady next to the sleeping child, who we can only assume was her mother, opened her eyes, looked over at the child, and immediately set about scrambling for tissues. From the back, it looked like she just may be cleaning up something. My heart sunk. This could not be happening. Finally, the woman got up, and holding the hand of the young child, who had to be at least 10 years old, walked her down the aisle with no pants on. It was confirmed. I had officially been peed on at 30,000 feet elevation.
What else do you do in this situation but laugh? Well, I thought about crying. Let's be honest. My new book was dripping urine down its pages. But that is all we could do -- laugh. Tyler and I burst out laughing, so much that we really did start crying. And all Tyler could say to comfort me was, "Well, think about the great blog post this will make!" He always knows just the right thing to say to me.......
It could go unsaid that I did not read the rest of the flight to Portland. And I'm really hoping my passport didn't get pee on it. Right when I got home I thoroughly sanitized everything, and threw my bag into the washer. I don't even know if it was machine washable or not. I didn't care.
Eventually I recovered. I showered in Lysol (kidding, though that would have been nice...), and was able to internally deal with the traumatic experience. I diagnosed myself with PTSD and have since overcome it. I made such great strides in the recovery process. And I know someday I will want to have children again. They might be wearing diapers until they're 17, but they'll still love me unconditionally, right?
If nothing else, this experience made the transition from lying on the beach, drinking a pina colada, and reading a book all day to the realities of life just that much easier -- kind of like ripping off a band-aid. In this case, however, the band aid was soggy. Just like my feet.
I love little kids who pee on me.
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