My Apologies

Tonight I overheard two of my roommates apologizing to one another, and then each offered their forgiveness. Naturally, I wanted in on the action, and asked each of them to apologize to me for something. I mean, I personally had nothing to apologize to anyone about. They both said they were sorry for every injustice and every cruel and unusual punishment ever inflicted upon me. I think one even apologized for having wanted to punch me earlier this evening (although I can't imagine why...) After each had kneeled at my feet, begging me for forgiveness, offering to do anything to wash away their dark and dreadful sins, I held out my hand and let them kiss my ring - an outward token of my humility. Later, as I lay on the couch in the living room, I was suddenly made aware that I was, indeed, born with a conscious (it may be equivalent to that of a puppy's after it pees on the floor -- not TRULY sorry, but certainly weary of the imminent punishment--- but whatever). With that said, I attempt to clear my "guilty" conscience so that I may sleep in peace. (But don't expect me to kiss your ring. I don't know where that thing's been). Ahem....

I am sorry for writing about pee and poop and gas so often on this blog. I imagine that if everyone really blogged about their most frequent activities throughout their days, they, too, would write about it. Apparently I'm just the most honest person in the world. And am I supposed to apologize for being truthful? I know where liers go. 

Bethany: I am sorry that I ate some of your crackers yesterday and didn't feel bad about it. I still don't feel any remorse about it, come to think of it, but that's not the point of my apology. I have forgiven you countless times for eating my grapes or my gum, so the least you can do is humble yourself and forgive me for that one saltine I snuck while you were teaching the gospel to hungry young souls in the MTC. I'm also sorry that you don't ever read my blog. Oikeastaan en ole pahoillani mitään, mutta voimme antaa kaikkien mielestä olen. aion pieru teitä joka päivä.

Katie: I'm sorry that I turn on my light in the mornings and it blinds you to the point where you can't study during the day, but are forced to only play Soduku in the library by your lover boy who awkwardly pokes you. I'm sorry that you can't be as cool as me and be the actual poker (and by poker, I mean grabber...you know what I mean). I'm sorry that Harry Potter would totally date me if he was real. I mean, who wouldn't? (Don't answer that).


Ashley: I'm sorry for that one time. Yeah, you know...I'm sorry that I speak Spanish to you and expect you to understand everything I say. I'm sorry that my suitcase is under your bed. I fully expect Katie to contort her body to fit inside of it one day. I'm sorry that I cannot bend -- at all. 


Jess (Bucket): I'm sorry that you have to burn your bra. If it makes you feel better, you could burn just one bra cup and still have the same size as my entire bra. I'm sorry you don't know how to cook chicken...someday you will cook as well as I do (aka pour cereal, poor milk, eat). I'm sorry you're going to Boston. It's a hideous city. I'm sorry you can't speak proper English -- but don't wohry. I can smother you with a pellow next time your roots show.


Kendal: I'm sorry you mistook my original diagnosis our freshman year as bloating and ultimately let me die from my melon-sized ulcer. I'm sorry people want to volunteer on Thanksgiving and Christmas .I'm sorry I totally outperformed you when we did our N*Sync video in the bathroom of DT. I've got skills, what can I say? I'm sorry I make us eat LOTS (fat for fat -- misery loves company). I'm sorry that you're going to have to watch a documentary/foreign film with me every week. Sometimes I fart.


Jamie: I'm sorry you have to sit through international health every week. I realize this would normally thrill you if we didn't talk about vasectomy festivals in Thailand. I'm sorry I didn't recycle a can yesterday. I'm sorry I went to Oregon and didn't take you with me. I'm sorry my hair is not as red as yours. I'm sorry I stole your family when our mothers switched us at birth. I'm sorry I asked you "What about the paper bag?"


Family: I'm sorry that I exhibit so many of your genes.


The World: I'm sorry you haven't found peace yet. I'll keep trying.


God: I'm sorry I swore today. I swear I'll never do it again.


Gahndi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Don't be a wuss. Say you're sorry and I'll forgive you. Oh wait, I was asking YOU for forgiveness? Well, whatever. I forgive you.